Waterlessgate

So I get home from a few days of binge drinking, midget hunting, the DTs, barking at people, and feasting on the flesh of my fallen and occasionally currently falling enemies (or a Saturday as I've come to call it) and I have all these plans for actually accomplishing things today. This is an extremely rare occurrence, like Hailey's Comet returning or hearing a funny racist joke about white people as a whole.

It can be hard to keep calm when he escapes the bear trap by chewing off his leg.

The universe would not stand for this, and it turned off my water.

So I return to a home without water after doing the above listed activities plus a few I left out for legalities sake, which does not include the assault or murder of any hookers, living or dead. These activities, the more astute of you will notice, did not include showering. So after destroying my body, mind, and soul in several cities, I kinda wanted to rinse off. I know this is a roundabout point to make, but I think the Universal Consciousness must be a female, because she digs my manly odor and refuses to let me wash it off.
 
That's right, the All-Mind of the Heavens wants me. That's the story I'm sticking with.

Like this, but with a bigger rack. And hair. Also color.

Nerf Gauss Rifle

So here, messing with my Nerf handgun because Nerf guns are freaking awesome and I refuse to grow up, and I notice some writing on the slider piece that you pull back between shots. It reads:

"Caution: Do not aim at eyes or face. To Avoid Injury: Use only darts designed for the product. Do not modify darts or dart blaster."

This raises a number of questions and thoughts for me. First of all, doesn't everyone have their eyes on their face? Why do they specify "eyes or face"? Is the Ten-Eyed Man, that lame villain from Batman with eyes in his fingers, using these things? Why do they not specify "Nose or face"? Are the eyes so much better than my nose? I can't smell with my eyes. STOP THE NOSE HATRED.

 Not one of the better Batman villains. His weakness is picking anything up ever.

 

Has anyone in the history of forever, other than me after them asking me NOT to, looked at one of them orange darts and thought "Hey, you know what would make this more fun? Modifying this dart in dangerous, mad science-y, and explosive ways!" Seriously, are people turning Nerf guns into flare guns? Cuz that'd be awesome. If I had an engineering degree I'd totally do shit like that.

Speaking of shit I'd do if I had the engineering prowess, I would totally turn my Nerf gun into a Gauss rifle. To those of you who don't play enough first person shooters, watch enough Mythbusters, or date enough nerds, Gauss rifles are basically guns that use magnetism, metal, and probably magic to propel projectiles at like Mach 5,000. They're the type of weapons Jesus would use if he wasn't a hippie. But yeah, if I had the ability, I would totally modify this Nerf gun into something destructive and hilarious like that just because they told me not to. I realize it's somewhat weird I'm this easily manipulated, but if it wasn't funny I wouldn't do it. Trust me on this.

Like this, but with more Orange and Yellow.

But don't worry, you can sleep soundly at night knowing I don't have the knowledge of mechanics to build this device. But I DO have friends who do, so on second thought, sleep with one eye open.

Pliny the Younger

So I was invited to a bar this morning because, in addition to a bar being my version of a church and it IS Sunday morning, this bar had a rare keg of a beer called Pliny the Younger. Also, when a cute chick asks you to go drinking, the answer should almost never be no.

So anyway, this beer is a triple IPA by Russian Rivers Brewing, which basically means it's uber powerful. So myself, one of my coworkers and two other dudes waited in line an hour on the sidewalk in the city in front of this place called Toronado, which I'm told was not a misspelling of "tornado", but rather an old model of Oldsmobile, which was VERY misleading since they have a goddamn tornado on their sign. Hey, who knew. Some lady asked what we were all waiting in line for, to which I responded with "A hooker." She gave me a weird combination of dirty, skeptical, and angry looks and said "A hooker?" I explained that she was a very good hooker, and she was only in town for a few days, and only had a few openings to fill. She didn't find it funny, but I assure you it was hilarious.

We ended up spending $11 on this glass of beer, and I have to say that while it was certainly delicious it wasn't $11 Delicious. Pliny the Elder, their more common double IPA version, however, was DEFINITELY worth the $5.50 they charged. I should've just gotten three of those, but hey, now I can say I've tried Pliny the Younger.

After having just the two beers, myself and my colleagues were pleasantly toasty, except my female coworker because she didn't like it and got cider instead. We of course, being the gentlemen we are, fought to the death over her undrank, non-refundable beer.

Actual Footage

After the beer we thought "Hey, what better way to be belligerent than to walk around the city blasted looking for food? There is no possible way this could go wrong." We ended up hassling this lady for having her dog in a stroller, which I will not apologize for because she CLEARLY misunderstood the meaning of "Taking your dog for a walk". Seriously, a fucking stroller. Also their was a group of girls with brightly colored hair, who may or may not have been a drunken hallucination, and a 4 foot parakeet with glasses, a goatee on his beak and a tuxedo who I am quite convinced was indeed a drunken hallucination, but he had some really great ideas.

Gatecrashing the Pope

So I have a problem with Magic cards. I inject them between my toes and I need to get into rehab, but I haven't gotten around to it. Anyway, they recently released a large expansion called Gatecrash and I bought a booster box containing 36 booster packs of 15 cards each, and a Fat pack with 9 more packs. So I bought 675 cards from this expansion and spent hours of my time organizing, sorting, and making decks out of these cards. It's one of the best things ever.

Aurelia does not fuck around. And she gives me the oddest erection.

 

 

So, to those of us who don't know, the Pope has stated he's resigning in late February. I for one think this is the greatest thing for Catholicism. Joseph Ratzinger, or Pope Benedict XVI for those of you who don't know what a douche he is, has always been against progressive thought and modern ideals for catholics, and I certainly hope the next guy will be a step up. Ratzinger has always been an anti-birth-control, pedophile protecting, back-assward asshole, and him resigning is awesome.

 

  Insert your own Emperor Palpatine/ Pope Benedict jokes here. 

 

 

Of Footballs and Kegs

So Super Bowl Sunday rolled around, which normally means less than nothing to me because I don't really care about sports. However, since I had to work that day, it meant I got to partake in the 5 gallon keg of Virgil's root beer and the 28 inch pizza my work ordered for the people who worked during the game. I have to say, that root beer kinda gave me a minor boner, I'm not ashamed to admit it. It was just that delicious. It was so creamy I thought they spiked it with ice cream.

So after work me and a few buddies headed up to another friend's house for a little get together, and by get together I mean a bunch of guys drinking, playing beer pong, watching the last 5 minutes of the game and eating pizza. All at the same time because we're skilled like that. So before the party we conspired to get a keg from the local BevMo because employee discounts are amazing and apparently apply towards them.

So we picked up a 5 of Pyramid Hefeweizen (it was Super Bowl Sunday at like 6pm, we had to work with what they had left) and off we went, the whole time two of my buddies wondering if we'd be able to finish it. Clearly they vastly underestimated the extent of out love for alcohol. That fucker was gone in an hour. I mean come on, you get a bunch of young guys together with a keg, do you expect it to last any longer? If so, you're either hanging out with Mormons or Boy Scouts, or a combination of the two, and it's a boring story regardless.

The worst part about hanging out with a bunch of trashed people is they will inevitably begin telling me their innermost problems and issues which, while a few make interesting blackmail material later, always bore and annoy me. The real issue isn't the annoyance, it's the fact I can solve their problem in 5 minutes, every time. But they all seem to want to keep their pain so they have something to bitch about. The absolute WORST part is that if I laugh at their stupidity, suddenly I'M the bad guy. Luckily I actually AM the bad guy, so I can laugh all I want and not feel bad about it. Also they'll forget the following morning, so I can usually crack whatever jokes I want to!

I absolutely love the fact I don't get hangovers but my friends do. It's a lot of fun being as loud and cheerful as possible early in the morning when everyone else looks like someone drugged a bunch of the background dancers from "Thriller", then beat them with a lead pipe. It really doesn't seem like a Monday today. I suppose that's a good thing. I love having two days off in a row at random points of the week.

Options

I recently began working at BevMo, which for those of you who are unlucky enough to not live near one, is basically the offspring of a grocery store and a liquor store having a baby and then emotionally abusing it until nothing remains but a cold, methodical sociopath. But I must say, it's been a real blast so far. Perhaps it's because my last few jobs have been so shitty that I see this one through rose glasses, but I legitimately enjoy it. Also, I sell beer for a living. It's the dream. In between using my employee discount to buy beer which I drink on my lunch and/ or maternity breaks, I basically do grunt work and customer service. Moving crates, stocking shelves, slapping skanks, the usual.

The only downside is the hours are quite lackluster, and though I enjoy the work, especially the slapping skanks part, it's not enough money for the large amounts of penis size reduction pills that I require, or all the hookers and blow I enjoy. So I've begun a search for a second job, and I have to say, immediately following the holiday season is the worst possible time to search for one. I'm more likely to find Jimmy Hoffa holding the Holy Grail than I am to find another job.  So I've begun thinking of other ways to make some cash, and while most of my ideas are stupid, that doesn't rule them out.

-Rob a bank, or a general life of crime. I'm surprised none of my friends have brought this up as a possibility, since most of us are resourceful, connected, and morally flexible. Perhaps I simply need to see if they feel in the mood to start a mafia.

-Find one better, full time job with an office or something. But I have no idea how to go about finding a gig like that.

-Marry a rich cougar. Not gonna lie, I'd probably have to work out for this one to work.

-Claim to be a Nigerian prince, request financial help via email from people. I have a good feeling about this one.

Perhaps I should actually listen to the advice from my speech teacher, relatives, friends, doctor, random strangers on the train, random strangers in the bathroom stall next to me, two guys both inexplicably named Tiny Tim, and that one talking goat and actually start attending open mike nights and doing standup. the only thing standing in my way is my usual burning apathy. IT BURNS WITH THE WHITE HOT INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND meh. Or perhaps a position as a writer somewhere. That seems like a pretty sweet gig. I suppose I'll look more into these once I get a bearing on where my college career is going.

Anniversary

So it's been almost a year since I've posted. I got bored and forgot this blog existed, but then I unforgot. Funny how that works.

So, anyway, the past few days, I've had two separate jobs and I'm still not happy. I worked at one of those recycling centres that are basically two semi-truck hauled bins out back of a grocery store for about two days. It was absolutely awful. The place has a constant stench of old soda, old beer, and for some reason old people at all times. I got a stomach flu after a few days because of how bloody filthy it was, and since I don't speak Chinese I couldn't understand half of the people coming to make 15 bucks off of 50 pounds of soda cans. The other half were hungover college students. Seriously, fuck recycling centres.

But now I'm some sort of political fundraiser or something, honestly I don't even know what I do. I have no idea why I ever even applied for this position, I have about as much interest in politics as I do in 3rd century Hungarian history. Actually, I think I'd be more interested in the history, I could at least make some wisecracks about horse cocks or something. I've been in this job for a day and I'm already ready to put a bullet in my head. Hopefully one of the other countless places I've applied to will respond.

So hey, less depressing topics, here's a list of things my fucked up brain thinks of randomly when I'm macheteing my way through my daily activities or, God forbid, not because my machete is in the shop.

-Why does Old Spice have their product name in French in addition to English? Don't French people not use body wash?
-Am I the only one who freaks out awake whenever I have a dream about peeing out of fear of peeing in real life?
-Am I the only one who goes out of his way to misinterpret vague, attention seeking statuses on Facebook just to fuck with them? "Some things just aren't meant to be =\" "Yeah, I wish Firefly had a second season too."
-Is it wrong to give up cocaine for lent?
-God and Mary must have had one hell of a St. Patrick's Day, 9 months before Christmas.
-Road trips with deaf people must suck.
-I like how airport security wants me to throw away my "suspicious liquid" in my water bottle... in the trash can right next to where he's standing. Because if it was a bomb, it'd be so much worse to have it explode at the gate than at on the plane.
-I'm such a worse person when my girlfriend isn't with me on a regular basis. It's like being addicted to a drug that makes you less of a dick, and I'm off my meds.