I recently began working at BevMo, which for those of you who are unlucky enough to not live near one, is basically the offspring of a grocery store and a liquor store having a baby and then emotionally abusing it until nothing remains but a cold, methodical sociopath. But I must say, it's been a real blast so far. Perhaps it's because my last few jobs have been so shitty that I see this one through rose glasses, but I legitimately enjoy it. Also, I sell beer for a living. It's the dream. In between using my employee discount to buy beer which I drink on my lunch and/ or maternity breaks, I basically do grunt work and customer service. Moving crates, stocking shelves, slapping skanks, the usual.
The only downside is the hours are quite lackluster, and though I enjoy the work, especially the slapping skanks part, it's not enough money for the large amounts of penis size reduction pills that I require, or all the hookers and blow I enjoy. So I've begun a search for a second job, and I have to say, immediately following the holiday season is the worst possible time to search for one. I'm more likely to find Jimmy Hoffa holding the Holy Grail than I am to find another job. So I've begun thinking of other ways to make some cash, and while most of my ideas are stupid, that doesn't rule them out.
-Rob a bank, or a general life of crime. I'm surprised none of my friends have brought this up as a possibility, since most of us are resourceful, connected, and morally flexible. Perhaps I simply need to see if they feel in the mood to start a mafia.
-Find one better, full time job with an office or something. But I have no idea how to go about finding a gig like that.
-Marry a rich cougar. Not gonna lie, I'd probably have to work out for this one to work.
-Claim to be a Nigerian prince, request financial help via email from people. I have a good feeling about this one.
Perhaps I should actually listen to the advice from my speech teacher, relatives, friends, doctor, random strangers on the train, random strangers in the bathroom stall next to me, two guys both inexplicably named Tiny Tim, and that one talking goat and actually start attending open mike nights and doing standup. the only thing standing in my way is my usual burning apathy. IT BURNS WITH THE WHITE HOT INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND meh. Or perhaps a position as a writer somewhere. That seems like a pretty sweet gig. I suppose I'll look more into these once I get a bearing on where my college career is going.
