Beer and Justice League

So apparently Wil Wheaton has teamed up with Stone Brewing, one of my favorites, to make a wheat stout. I really don't know who Wil Wheaton is because I didn't care for Stand By Me and never saw Star Trek: The Next Generation, but apparently he's a big deal of some sort. Regardless, I will say this guy helped make a damn fine stout. Stone Farking Wheaton's w00tstout. Look it up.

Chug it like a man.

So I've been watching Justice League and Justice League Unlimited on Netflix, and I must say I thoroughly enjoyed both of them in full. From start to finish they're both pretty badass shows. I must say, one character I don't much care for in this adaptation of DC's universe is the Joker. Now, the Joker is my favorite villain of all time. As a major Batman fan and psychology major, he interests me in just about every respect a fictional character can apart from gigantic tits, but I have Harley Quinn for that. I have the hugest nerd-on for her and, if possible, would marry and impregnate her right now.

If I were the Joker in this picture, my boner 

would be very conspicuous.

However, in the Justice League series, he seems to be fixated on killing Batman. While that might seem like the logical choice for a supervillain to do to their counterpart, it's never been the Joker's MO, and he's never been a logical man. The Joker defines himself by Batman, and if Batman dies he loses all meaning. He's interested solely in the journey, hoping never to reach the destination. He's similar to the Doctor in hating endings, and that's an awesome facet of his character. An illogical, brutal maniac who doesn't seek to end his foe, but rather wants only to fight him over and over in a never ending chess match for eternity. That's the Joker I know and love.

However, in his first appearance in "Injustice for All", the Justice League Joker has no goals but clearance from Batman's captors to murder him. This is the most blatant disregard for what the character stands for, with his second appearance being more like his normal insane self, hoping only to screw with people's heads and have a blast. But even with the issues I have with one character, the Justice League and Justice League Unlimited series are a great set of stories involving some of the greatest characters in the DC comics universe from Atomic Skull to Wonder Woman. Anyone who's a fan of comics who hasn't seen them is robbing themselves of hours of entertainment.

I love how only the Manhunter and Hawkgirl aren't standing spread eagle. 

No idea why but it makes me giggle.

Bond, James Bond

I was watching Casino Royale with Daniel Craig recently, and something occurred to me. The two women James slept with in that movie died horrible deaths. Thinking back, this happens a lot. That Japanese lady from You Only Live Twice, Jill Masterson, his wife from On Her Majesty's Secret Service (if you can tolerate George Lazenby sodomizing everything Bond stands for), the list goes on. This leads me to a shocking conclusion that is totally supported by scientific data and not completely made up: James Bond is an STD, which has roughly a 33% chance of killing the victim. It would explain why Bond is such an adrenaline junkie, since anyone he develops an emotional connection with eventually dies a horrible horrible death, whether on or off camera. We only see the ones who die on camera, but they all vanish before the next film. So even the ones who don't die on screen die before from the disease before the next film. DUN DUN DUUUUUN.

She died the way she lived. 

Hey, she didn't judge YOU on YOUR sexual fetishes.

Which brings up another interesting crackpot theory involving James Bond. He's been portrayed by so many different actors, from Sean Connery to Pierce Brosnan to Roger Moore. He's had more actors play him than Hitler. Other characters seem to remain the same and age throughout the films and never question when Bond inexplicably changes personality or faces or the fact he not only ages, but occasionally gets a decade younger looking. So once again I have a theory on why this is: James is a Time Lord. In his line of work, he does extremely dangerous work a lot. We see the operations he's successful in, but there must be some he botches. I propose that between films when actors change, he botches and operation, gets killed, and is forced to regenerate. M, as Bond's handler, may be connected with Torchwood as well as MI6, and may be doing the duty of keeping the known alien in check.

 George was the equivalent of Paul McGann's Eighth Doctor: Glad we only had to see him once.

OOH, ANOTHER UNNECESSARY CONNECTION. What is it's not just James who has the human killing STDs, but ALL Time Lords? Perhaps that's why The Doctor doesn't ever hit any of his companions. The Master was married to a human woman, who did indeed go the way of a Bond girl, so we're 1/1! River Song is part Time Lord due to her conception in the TARDIS, so perhaps that's why she hasn't gone the way of the Bond girl yet. So the question remains, will Rose be killed by her half human Doctor clone in the alternate reality? Or will she become the exception? MIND: BLOWN.

I do realize this is basically the nerdiest post I've ever posted, and you know what? It feels good to have hit the bottom. I APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING.

April Fool's Day

Ah, April Fool's Day, the day when the funny people make us laugh and the unfunny people try in vain to make us laugh but end up causing nothing but groans, dry cleaning bills, and empty tins of shaving cream. This pseudo-holiday was a lot more fun before Facebook and Twitter feeds. It really seems like they're trying way too hard to make fake news stories in the spirit of April's Fools that they surpass funny and go straight to the realm of ridiculous. I'm in favor of a fake news story as much as the next guy, but at least make people stop and go "Wait, is this serious? Hmm." At best, make the
stupid friends everyone has repost it as though it were gospel and stress how super serious it is.

"No, I'm serious dude! George Takei is going to be a Jedi master in the next Star Wars movie! 

And J. J. Abrahams is directing! They had a picture and everything!"

So I was at my goddaughter's birthday this last weekend at my grandparents house and, even though it was her 3rd birthday party, I failed to realize that there would be so many crazed hellspawn (otherwise known as children) at the party. So I did what any strong, independent man would in that situation and hid in the bathroom for as long as I could. And in their bathroom my grandparents have a book called "Uncle John's Monumental Bathroom Reader". I read that whenever I'm in there, whether on the pot, doing paperwork, my taxes, and pondering the mysteries of life. It was very impressive, with interesting stories on Dracula, stupid criminals, laws, history, comics, quotations, and lots of other random crap.

As I sat there reading, I realized something that blew my mind. I had sat there reading stories about topics I could not care less about for HOURS. Literally, HOURS. The whole party. I had just found the book version of Wikipedia, or the Discovery channel. HOURS UPON HOURS of learning things I don't care to know and ENJOYING IT. What the hell? 13 years before Wikipedia was even AROUND, this guy was forcing knowledge down the throats of unsuspecting poopers everywhere. He's a mad genius, on the level of Blofeld, Rupert Murdoch, or Christopher Walken. A truly evil man, one worthy of our respect.

Behold, the cover of evil.

Spiderman and Kids Bop

I watched Spiderman again recently, the one with Tobey MacGuire. Decent movie I suppose, but something occurred to me that never had before. I understand Peter being Spiderman is interesting, but what the hell happened to the spider that gave him those powers? Did it just die after biting him? Is no one else in his world interested in harnessing the powers of an arachnid that can give anyone superpowers with but a single bite?

Also, there's a huge lack of insight on the scientist's part. It's pointed out early on that one of their mutated spiders escaped, and no one seems that interested. But when a few days later, a random guy appears who seems to have the powers that SPIDERS possess, calling himself SPIDERMAN, does it not raise a single goddamn flag? Did none of the scientists stop and go "Hey, maybe this is connected to that MISSING GENETICALLY ALTERED SPIDER WE HAD A FEW DAYS AGO!" Seriously, are these people all graduates from University of Phoenix? Come on, even a community college scientist would make the bloody connection!

"Hey, do you think that guy with a spider on his chest who shoots webs from his wrists and 

climbs up walls is related to our missing genetically altered super-spider?"

"I don't get paid to think."

"...yes you do. You're a scientist."

Speaking of stupid people, why do they keep making these horrid "Kid's Bop" CDs sold on TV? Do people actually purchase these things? Has anyone stopped and said to themselves "Yeah, I mean I like today's Top 40, but what if it was sung in a really high pitched voice by a bunch of fucking kids who are all tone deaf?" I really want to hear what argument the executive who came up with this used to get it approved. That must have been an amazing conversation.

Another hilarious thing is their choice of songs. They get a bunch of kids to sing songs, and what do they choose?

-"Boom Boom Pow" by The Black Eyed Peas
-"All The Small Things" by Blink 182
-Quite a few depressing songs by The Fray, Daughtry and Three Doors Down
-"Feel Good, Inc." by The Gorillaz
-"Unwell" by Matchbox Twenty
-"Hey Ya!" by Outkast
-"Headstrong" by Trapt
And countless others!

Now, I'm not saying these songs are inappropriate for kids, because frankly I hate kids and I don't really care what they listen to. But I am saying that most of the pussy American parents WOULD say these songs are inappropriate due to the references to sex, suicide, drug use, depression, more drug use, and being Fergie, all of which are things most parents won't want their kids listen to. And this is on an album where the kids are SINGING it. I find this hilarious.

I don't know about you, but when I heard the lyric 'Don't want to meet your momma, just want to make you cum-a', I imagined a twelve year old singing that shit.

People make me smile.

Random Factoids Regarding the Meaning of Life

My job pisses me off. Mostly because I work in retail and I have stupid ass management. Most of the employees are being cut to a mere 5 hours a week. 5 hours. At 9 dollars an hour. I will be making 45 dollars for all of next week. Fucking hell I need a new job. Oh well, more on that another time.

For anyone working at BevMo Corporate.

I have no idea why, but earlier today I was contemplating the meaning of life, as I am wont to do. I know I'm normally filled with rage and tear down the ideas of stupid people, but today I feel like building shit up. I don't really know what the meaning of life is, nor am I prepared to pretend I do or ever will, but I do have a small list of thoughts on the subject that people should be reminded of. And since I'm recovering from a three day drinking binge, this is the best material you're getting from me today.

-"You Only Live Once" does not mean "Go be a stupid whore and sin like there's no tomorrow", it means "Life is a one shot deal, no do-overs, be sure to make it counts." If you want to sin like a bitch and fuck and drink, go for it. Just be sure you're happy and you make a positive impact, leaving the world in better condition than you started.

-Death comes for all of us on his own schedule. Don't fear him, but rather be prepared for him at all times. Live in such a way that, should his grip find you when you least expect it, you can die fulfilled. Tell those you love how you feel, because having one of those TV drama moments when you're on your deathbed confessing your feelings is very rare. In the words of some very wise men, "What better place than here? What better time than now?" 

 

-The phrase "Blood is thicker than water" does not mean your family is more important than your friends automatically. To the contrary, the original phrase was "The blood of war is thicker than water of the womb.", more or less saying your bond with your brothers in arms is stronger than any you have with relatives. Gotta love Celtic/ Viking warrior culture.

I need to get some sleep. Just remember, try to be happy, be yourself, and try not to be a douchebag.

TeamFourStar and Burbank

I am a huge fan of TeamFourStar, who are best known for Dragonball Z Abridged, which is an amazingly funny YouTube parody series of the anime. Seriously, check out their YouTube channel here. So I haven't followed the Podcast they do regarding their activities and such for quite a while, but I have been following their activities. It's weird listening to them hint at spoilers for things from the past that I've already seen. I wonder if this is how psychics feel?

 No, not you, Sylvia. 

TeamFourStar are the epitome of good comedy, not only because they're genuinely hilarious, but because they get progressively funnier as their career progressed. I've watched them since near the beginning, and they started out as an idea with some rough production. The humor was always there, but it was apparenty they lacked practice. Pretty quickly though, and progressively more over time, they definitely get into their groove and pop out some of the funniest damn videos I've ever seen. Even if you've never seen Dragonball Z, if you've lived longer than a year in America you know a lot of the stereotypes and plot points of the series and you'll have a blast watching it. Seriously, if you haven't yet, watch it. Your Lord commands it.

When I die, be sure to gather the Dragonballs. I'll wait.

In other news, I've been trying to get a job up in Burbank with my uncle's company, because nepotism is only a bad thing if you're not the one benefiting, kids. It's just a bunch of heavy lifting, but it pays well and I'm a big guy. I suppose I need to get off my fat ass at some point in my life. At least that's what they keep telling me, it sure as hell hasn't happened yet.

My apathy sucks, it prevents me from actually pursuing a career I'd not-hate, like standup, voice acting, regular acting, sleeping with Pauley Perrette, or drop kicking midgets. I always hate it when people seem worried about my not-caring, like it's a condition or something. I'm completely aware that it's all my own doing, you know. I just can't bring myself to care just yet in my life because I don't have any responsibilities like marriage, kids, pets, midgets I drop kicked that I have to now pay medical bills for, you know. The usual. Maybe I should get married, exclusively so I can get myself into debt and misery and have the drive to better myself. THE AMERICAN DREAM!

Wibbly-Wobbly Timey-Wimey Stuff

Time is weird. When you sit and think about it, it moves extremely slowly. But as soon as you're distracted, it passes faster than a quarterback with Parkinson's. Seriously, it's March already. March. Yesterday it was November. What the hell man?

Ah, yes, that makes much more sense to my linear, subjective mind.

I am excited for Saint Patrick's Day, but that's because I'm a drunk. Other than that there's really not much in March that's worth having. It's one of the emptiest months. I mean yeah, if you're a hippy there's the Spring Equinox, and there's some birthdays, but there's really nothing major besides drinking.

OH! So I learned something hilarious and pointless, which of course I will now share with you. Do you know of the Easter Island heads? Of course you do. If you're a dumbass who somehow hasn't, they're gigantic stone statues that litter the otherwise barren and empty island of Easter Island. The people who once lived there were known as the Rapa Nui, and they constructed the statues for still unknown reasons. Was it for their gods? Was it for protection? Or was it for the world's largest chess set so they could have a landmark off Interstate 40? Who knows. What we do know, however, is how they died. Or more correctly, how they killed themselves.

 Knight to E-4.

You see, giant stone heads don't simply move themselves unless you're Harry Potter, or Emma Watson's character with a stupid name. So the Rapa Nui had to find a way to move these giant statues, and they of course immediately though of cutting down all the trees on their island to roll them into place. All the trees. As in every. Single. Last. One. With the trees gone, the winds blew away the topsoil and they couldn't grow crops, so they cannibalized and starved until they all died.

But let's focus on the tree part. Every single tree. They didn't leave any? Seriously? This says to me one very hilarious thing. There was a real life Lorax moment. They were cutting down the trees while the Chief was arguing with Danny DeVito about how they're doing nothing wrong, and they can't be stopped, then "CRUNCH". In slow motion off in the distance, the last tree falls to Earth. With a somber look, Danny looks up at the Chief and says "That'll stop ya..." Only instead of dooming them to live in a land of plastic for a few years, he doomed them all to cannibalism and extinction. I guess the Lorax was a lot like God: he was much more hardcore in his younger years.

 

Remember kids, if you don't recycle, he'll knife the fuck out of you in your sleep!

Waterlessgate

So I get home from a few days of binge drinking, midget hunting, the DTs, barking at people, and feasting on the flesh of my fallen and occasionally currently falling enemies (or a Saturday as I've come to call it) and I have all these plans for actually accomplishing things today. This is an extremely rare occurrence, like Hailey's Comet returning or hearing a funny racist joke about white people as a whole.

It can be hard to keep calm when he escapes the bear trap by chewing off his leg.

The universe would not stand for this, and it turned off my water.

So I return to a home without water after doing the above listed activities plus a few I left out for legalities sake, which does not include the assault or murder of any hookers, living or dead. These activities, the more astute of you will notice, did not include showering. So after destroying my body, mind, and soul in several cities, I kinda wanted to rinse off. I know this is a roundabout point to make, but I think the Universal Consciousness must be a female, because she digs my manly odor and refuses to let me wash it off.
 
That's right, the All-Mind of the Heavens wants me. That's the story I'm sticking with.

Like this, but with a bigger rack. And hair. Also color.

Nerf Gauss Rifle

So here, messing with my Nerf handgun because Nerf guns are freaking awesome and I refuse to grow up, and I notice some writing on the slider piece that you pull back between shots. It reads:

"Caution: Do not aim at eyes or face. To Avoid Injury: Use only darts designed for the product. Do not modify darts or dart blaster."

This raises a number of questions and thoughts for me. First of all, doesn't everyone have their eyes on their face? Why do they specify "eyes or face"? Is the Ten-Eyed Man, that lame villain from Batman with eyes in his fingers, using these things? Why do they not specify "Nose or face"? Are the eyes so much better than my nose? I can't smell with my eyes. STOP THE NOSE HATRED.

 Not one of the better Batman villains. His weakness is picking anything up ever.

 

Has anyone in the history of forever, other than me after them asking me NOT to, looked at one of them orange darts and thought "Hey, you know what would make this more fun? Modifying this dart in dangerous, mad science-y, and explosive ways!" Seriously, are people turning Nerf guns into flare guns? Cuz that'd be awesome. If I had an engineering degree I'd totally do shit like that.

Speaking of shit I'd do if I had the engineering prowess, I would totally turn my Nerf gun into a Gauss rifle. To those of you who don't play enough first person shooters, watch enough Mythbusters, or date enough nerds, Gauss rifles are basically guns that use magnetism, metal, and probably magic to propel projectiles at like Mach 5,000. They're the type of weapons Jesus would use if he wasn't a hippie. But yeah, if I had the ability, I would totally modify this Nerf gun into something destructive and hilarious like that just because they told me not to. I realize it's somewhat weird I'm this easily manipulated, but if it wasn't funny I wouldn't do it. Trust me on this.

Like this, but with more Orange and Yellow.

But don't worry, you can sleep soundly at night knowing I don't have the knowledge of mechanics to build this device. But I DO have friends who do, so on second thought, sleep with one eye open.

Pliny the Younger

So I was invited to a bar this morning because, in addition to a bar being my version of a church and it IS Sunday morning, this bar had a rare keg of a beer called Pliny the Younger. Also, when a cute chick asks you to go drinking, the answer should almost never be no.

So anyway, this beer is a triple IPA by Russian Rivers Brewing, which basically means it's uber powerful. So myself, one of my coworkers and two other dudes waited in line an hour on the sidewalk in the city in front of this place called Toronado, which I'm told was not a misspelling of "tornado", but rather an old model of Oldsmobile, which was VERY misleading since they have a goddamn tornado on their sign. Hey, who knew. Some lady asked what we were all waiting in line for, to which I responded with "A hooker." She gave me a weird combination of dirty, skeptical, and angry looks and said "A hooker?" I explained that she was a very good hooker, and she was only in town for a few days, and only had a few openings to fill. She didn't find it funny, but I assure you it was hilarious.

We ended up spending $11 on this glass of beer, and I have to say that while it was certainly delicious it wasn't $11 Delicious. Pliny the Elder, their more common double IPA version, however, was DEFINITELY worth the $5.50 they charged. I should've just gotten three of those, but hey, now I can say I've tried Pliny the Younger.

After having just the two beers, myself and my colleagues were pleasantly toasty, except my female coworker because she didn't like it and got cider instead. We of course, being the gentlemen we are, fought to the death over her undrank, non-refundable beer.

Actual Footage

After the beer we thought "Hey, what better way to be belligerent than to walk around the city blasted looking for food? There is no possible way this could go wrong." We ended up hassling this lady for having her dog in a stroller, which I will not apologize for because she CLEARLY misunderstood the meaning of "Taking your dog for a walk". Seriously, a fucking stroller. Also their was a group of girls with brightly colored hair, who may or may not have been a drunken hallucination, and a 4 foot parakeet with glasses, a goatee on his beak and a tuxedo who I am quite convinced was indeed a drunken hallucination, but he had some really great ideas.

Gatecrashing the Pope

So I have a problem with Magic cards. I inject them between my toes and I need to get into rehab, but I haven't gotten around to it. Anyway, they recently released a large expansion called Gatecrash and I bought a booster box containing 36 booster packs of 15 cards each, and a Fat pack with 9 more packs. So I bought 675 cards from this expansion and spent hours of my time organizing, sorting, and making decks out of these cards. It's one of the best things ever.

Aurelia does not fuck around. And she gives me the oddest erection.

 

 

So, to those of us who don't know, the Pope has stated he's resigning in late February. I for one think this is the greatest thing for Catholicism. Joseph Ratzinger, or Pope Benedict XVI for those of you who don't know what a douche he is, has always been against progressive thought and modern ideals for catholics, and I certainly hope the next guy will be a step up. Ratzinger has always been an anti-birth-control, pedophile protecting, back-assward asshole, and him resigning is awesome.

 

  Insert your own Emperor Palpatine/ Pope Benedict jokes here. 

 

 

Of Footballs and Kegs

So Super Bowl Sunday rolled around, which normally means less than nothing to me because I don't really care about sports. However, since I had to work that day, it meant I got to partake in the 5 gallon keg of Virgil's root beer and the 28 inch pizza my work ordered for the people who worked during the game. I have to say, that root beer kinda gave me a minor boner, I'm not ashamed to admit it. It was just that delicious. It was so creamy I thought they spiked it with ice cream.

So after work me and a few buddies headed up to another friend's house for a little get together, and by get together I mean a bunch of guys drinking, playing beer pong, watching the last 5 minutes of the game and eating pizza. All at the same time because we're skilled like that. So before the party we conspired to get a keg from the local BevMo because employee discounts are amazing and apparently apply towards them.

So we picked up a 5 of Pyramid Hefeweizen (it was Super Bowl Sunday at like 6pm, we had to work with what they had left) and off we went, the whole time two of my buddies wondering if we'd be able to finish it. Clearly they vastly underestimated the extent of out love for alcohol. That fucker was gone in an hour. I mean come on, you get a bunch of young guys together with a keg, do you expect it to last any longer? If so, you're either hanging out with Mormons or Boy Scouts, or a combination of the two, and it's a boring story regardless.

The worst part about hanging out with a bunch of trashed people is they will inevitably begin telling me their innermost problems and issues which, while a few make interesting blackmail material later, always bore and annoy me. The real issue isn't the annoyance, it's the fact I can solve their problem in 5 minutes, every time. But they all seem to want to keep their pain so they have something to bitch about. The absolute WORST part is that if I laugh at their stupidity, suddenly I'M the bad guy. Luckily I actually AM the bad guy, so I can laugh all I want and not feel bad about it. Also they'll forget the following morning, so I can usually crack whatever jokes I want to!

I absolutely love the fact I don't get hangovers but my friends do. It's a lot of fun being as loud and cheerful as possible early in the morning when everyone else looks like someone drugged a bunch of the background dancers from "Thriller", then beat them with a lead pipe. It really doesn't seem like a Monday today. I suppose that's a good thing. I love having two days off in a row at random points of the week.

Options

I recently began working at BevMo, which for those of you who are unlucky enough to not live near one, is basically the offspring of a grocery store and a liquor store having a baby and then emotionally abusing it until nothing remains but a cold, methodical sociopath. But I must say, it's been a real blast so far. Perhaps it's because my last few jobs have been so shitty that I see this one through rose glasses, but I legitimately enjoy it. Also, I sell beer for a living. It's the dream. In between using my employee discount to buy beer which I drink on my lunch and/ or maternity breaks, I basically do grunt work and customer service. Moving crates, stocking shelves, slapping skanks, the usual.

The only downside is the hours are quite lackluster, and though I enjoy the work, especially the slapping skanks part, it's not enough money for the large amounts of penis size reduction pills that I require, or all the hookers and blow I enjoy. So I've begun a search for a second job, and I have to say, immediately following the holiday season is the worst possible time to search for one. I'm more likely to find Jimmy Hoffa holding the Holy Grail than I am to find another job.  So I've begun thinking of other ways to make some cash, and while most of my ideas are stupid, that doesn't rule them out.

-Rob a bank, or a general life of crime. I'm surprised none of my friends have brought this up as a possibility, since most of us are resourceful, connected, and morally flexible. Perhaps I simply need to see if they feel in the mood to start a mafia.

-Find one better, full time job with an office or something. But I have no idea how to go about finding a gig like that.

-Marry a rich cougar. Not gonna lie, I'd probably have to work out for this one to work.

-Claim to be a Nigerian prince, request financial help via email from people. I have a good feeling about this one.

Perhaps I should actually listen to the advice from my speech teacher, relatives, friends, doctor, random strangers on the train, random strangers in the bathroom stall next to me, two guys both inexplicably named Tiny Tim, and that one talking goat and actually start attending open mike nights and doing standup. the only thing standing in my way is my usual burning apathy. IT BURNS WITH THE WHITE HOT INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND meh. Or perhaps a position as a writer somewhere. That seems like a pretty sweet gig. I suppose I'll look more into these once I get a bearing on where my college career is going.