Bond, James Bond

I was watching Casino Royale with Daniel Craig recently, and something occurred to me. The two women James slept with in that movie died horrible deaths. Thinking back, this happens a lot. That Japanese lady from You Only Live Twice, Jill Masterson, his wife from On Her Majesty's Secret Service (if you can tolerate George Lazenby sodomizing everything Bond stands for), the list goes on. This leads me to a shocking conclusion that is totally supported by scientific data and not completely made up: James Bond is an STD, which has roughly a 33% chance of killing the victim. It would explain why Bond is such an adrenaline junkie, since anyone he develops an emotional connection with eventually dies a horrible horrible death, whether on or off camera. We only see the ones who die on camera, but they all vanish before the next film. So even the ones who don't die on screen die before from the disease before the next film. DUN DUN DUUUUUN.

She died the way she lived. 

Hey, she didn't judge YOU on YOUR sexual fetishes.

Which brings up another interesting crackpot theory involving James Bond. He's been portrayed by so many different actors, from Sean Connery to Pierce Brosnan to Roger Moore. He's had more actors play him than Hitler. Other characters seem to remain the same and age throughout the films and never question when Bond inexplicably changes personality or faces or the fact he not only ages, but occasionally gets a decade younger looking. So once again I have a theory on why this is: James is a Time Lord. In his line of work, he does extremely dangerous work a lot. We see the operations he's successful in, but there must be some he botches. I propose that between films when actors change, he botches and operation, gets killed, and is forced to regenerate. M, as Bond's handler, may be connected with Torchwood as well as MI6, and may be doing the duty of keeping the known alien in check.

 George was the equivalent of Paul McGann's Eighth Doctor: Glad we only had to see him once.

OOH, ANOTHER UNNECESSARY CONNECTION. What is it's not just James who has the human killing STDs, but ALL Time Lords? Perhaps that's why The Doctor doesn't ever hit any of his companions. The Master was married to a human woman, who did indeed go the way of a Bond girl, so we're 1/1! River Song is part Time Lord due to her conception in the TARDIS, so perhaps that's why she hasn't gone the way of the Bond girl yet. So the question remains, will Rose be killed by her half human Doctor clone in the alternate reality? Or will she become the exception? MIND: BLOWN.

I do realize this is basically the nerdiest post I've ever posted, and you know what? It feels good to have hit the bottom. I APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING.

April Fool's Day

Ah, April Fool's Day, the day when the funny people make us laugh and the unfunny people try in vain to make us laugh but end up causing nothing but groans, dry cleaning bills, and empty tins of shaving cream. This pseudo-holiday was a lot more fun before Facebook and Twitter feeds. It really seems like they're trying way too hard to make fake news stories in the spirit of April's Fools that they surpass funny and go straight to the realm of ridiculous. I'm in favor of a fake news story as much as the next guy, but at least make people stop and go "Wait, is this serious? Hmm." At best, make the
stupid friends everyone has repost it as though it were gospel and stress how super serious it is.

"No, I'm serious dude! George Takei is going to be a Jedi master in the next Star Wars movie! 

And J. J. Abrahams is directing! They had a picture and everything!"

So I was at my goddaughter's birthday this last weekend at my grandparents house and, even though it was her 3rd birthday party, I failed to realize that there would be so many crazed hellspawn (otherwise known as children) at the party. So I did what any strong, independent man would in that situation and hid in the bathroom for as long as I could. And in their bathroom my grandparents have a book called "Uncle John's Monumental Bathroom Reader". I read that whenever I'm in there, whether on the pot, doing paperwork, my taxes, and pondering the mysteries of life. It was very impressive, with interesting stories on Dracula, stupid criminals, laws, history, comics, quotations, and lots of other random crap.

As I sat there reading, I realized something that blew my mind. I had sat there reading stories about topics I could not care less about for HOURS. Literally, HOURS. The whole party. I had just found the book version of Wikipedia, or the Discovery channel. HOURS UPON HOURS of learning things I don't care to know and ENJOYING IT. What the hell? 13 years before Wikipedia was even AROUND, this guy was forcing knowledge down the throats of unsuspecting poopers everywhere. He's a mad genius, on the level of Blofeld, Rupert Murdoch, or Christopher Walken. A truly evil man, one worthy of our respect.

Behold, the cover of evil.