Wibbly-Wobbly Timey-Wimey Stuff

Time is weird. When you sit and think about it, it moves extremely slowly. But as soon as you're distracted, it passes faster than a quarterback with Parkinson's. Seriously, it's March already. March. Yesterday it was November. What the hell man?

Ah, yes, that makes much more sense to my linear, subjective mind.

I am excited for Saint Patrick's Day, but that's because I'm a drunk. Other than that there's really not much in March that's worth having. It's one of the emptiest months. I mean yeah, if you're a hippy there's the Spring Equinox, and there's some birthdays, but there's really nothing major besides drinking.

OH! So I learned something hilarious and pointless, which of course I will now share with you. Do you know of the Easter Island heads? Of course you do. If you're a dumbass who somehow hasn't, they're gigantic stone statues that litter the otherwise barren and empty island of Easter Island. The people who once lived there were known as the Rapa Nui, and they constructed the statues for still unknown reasons. Was it for their gods? Was it for protection? Or was it for the world's largest chess set so they could have a landmark off Interstate 40? Who knows. What we do know, however, is how they died. Or more correctly, how they killed themselves.

 Knight to E-4.

You see, giant stone heads don't simply move themselves unless you're Harry Potter, or Emma Watson's character with a stupid name. So the Rapa Nui had to find a way to move these giant statues, and they of course immediately though of cutting down all the trees on their island to roll them into place. All the trees. As in every. Single. Last. One. With the trees gone, the winds blew away the topsoil and they couldn't grow crops, so they cannibalized and starved until they all died.

But let's focus on the tree part. Every single tree. They didn't leave any? Seriously? This says to me one very hilarious thing. There was a real life Lorax moment. They were cutting down the trees while the Chief was arguing with Danny DeVito about how they're doing nothing wrong, and they can't be stopped, then "CRUNCH". In slow motion off in the distance, the last tree falls to Earth. With a somber look, Danny looks up at the Chief and says "That'll stop ya..." Only instead of dooming them to live in a land of plastic for a few years, he doomed them all to cannibalism and extinction. I guess the Lorax was a lot like God: he was much more hardcore in his younger years.

 

Remember kids, if you don't recycle, he'll knife the fuck out of you in your sleep!