Now, it's about a billion and a half chapters long, but after I read the whole thing through massive amounts of diligence, sugary soft drinks, lonely nights, and lack of an X-Box 360, I think I'm able to reduce the ENTIRE SERIES to just a few major plot points and save anyone who didn't read it from ever having to. Literally, all you have to do is spend a few minutes reading this, agree that I'm perfect and trustworthy, then go about your dreary existence without ever again thinking about Dragonball.
Plot Points!
Dragonballs: Little orange balls made by the green people that grant wishes when you get all 7 together. They have all sorts of restrictions and shit, but they're pretty legit. You can wish for people to come back to life, for immortality, for whole planets to un-explode, or for women's underwear. THE POSSIBLITIES ARE ENDLESS! The wish is made by the eternal dragon, Shenron, who is summoned from them. He's a pretty cool guy for someone who's stuffed into balls most of the time. After the wish is made they fly off in all directions. These are the ultimate Deus Ex Machina devices. Also not dragon testicles. Just making sure that's clear.
Saiyan: Race of monkey people, most of which Freeza blew up. Goku and Vegeta are the only full Saiyans left alive. Gohan, Trunks, Goten, and Gohan's daughter whose name escapes me because she's unimportant are all part Saiyan. Really it's just used as an explanation for why those characters are so much more badass and strong than all the other ones. It also explains why they can go super saiyan.
Super Saiyan: Honestly, I'm not sure what this means. It makes their hair go blonde and their eyes go blue, so I guess it makes them Aryans. They get super duper strong when they make their hair yellow, and apparently there's different levels of it, but they all look basically the same. You just gotta trust them when they tell you they're more powerful.
Senzu Beans: Almost as big of a deus ex machina device as Dragonballs, these little beans apparently heal all wounds, including broken bones, shattered organs, blood loss, brain damage, herniated disks, hemorrhoids, gout, bloody noses, grey hair, small penises, pizza nipples, and The Clap. They also make you not hungry for two weeks or something, but the point is whenever someone is almost dead it's just "OH MY GOD, THEY'RE GONNA DI- oh wait, here have a bean." Then the Final Fantasy green healing text '9999' happens and they're all better.
Namek: Another planet with Dragonballs the people go to when the guy who made Earth's Dragonballs died. It's green and the people there are green. Oh, and they can make Dragonballs too, but mostly they're green. The planet explodes and gets wished back. It's pretty useless.
Offscreen Training: There will be a lot of this. Whenever a character realizes they need to be stronger because they got their ass kicked, their family died, their girlfriend broke up with them, or their dog died, they decide to go for vigorous offscreen training for anywhere from a day to 5 years, after which they will be a billion times stronger. Training is very rarely explained. It's just training, ok? Stop asking questions.
Kamehameha: I like how the spellchecker accepts "Kamehameha" as a legitimate word, but not "dumbass". I can sum this up with a picture better than words.
Characters!
Dragonball has probably the biggest list of characters in any series this side of Bleach.They have everything fom little monkeyboys to dudes with Bloomin Onion haircuts to asexual galactic overlords to fat samurai guys. Seriously.
Son Goku: Main character. He's the archetypal "I'm innocent but inexplicably the strongest thing to ever live and I could crush the entire world with my nutsack" guy. The dude starts as a kid, kicks a bunch of ass, grows up, bangs Chi-Chi and has some kids, dies, comes back to life, kicks more ass, kills a god or two on accident, eat a lot of food, kicks more ass, dies again, dyes his hair blonde, kicks yet more ass, dies again, then kicks more ass while dead. For such an asskicker he dies a whole lot. He's the type of person a villain severely overkills while frantically screaming "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO KILL YOU BEFORE YOU STAY DEAD???", than sobbing. He's trained with God, killed galactic overlords, teleported thousands of miles, blown up magical pink blobs of death, blown up demon robot things, saved entire planets, seen what kids love about Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and he touched MC Hammer. THAT'S shit you put on a resume.
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| He's not a pedophile, that's him as a kid |
Krillin: Pussy. Dude starts out pretty cool when Goku is a kid, but then when he grows up it's revealed he's completely worthless. He's a Shaolin monk or something and routinely gets his ass kicked. He also gets his neck snapped and then gets exploded from the inside out, which is hilarious.
Bulma: She exists to be a female character. Oh, and she makes a bunch of random deus ex machina machines to provide whatever the characters who actually DO anything, like radars that track Dragonballs, spaceships, time machines, dildos, flying laser robot leviathans, Dick Cheney, and houses in capsules.
Yamcha: He sucks more than Krillin. He exists to die and make everyone else look better by comparison. Has about 15 seconds of time when he's present in the story. I don't know why I even included him in this list.
Tien Shinhan: Dude with three eyes and a fierce hatred of shirts. He's probably one of the few characters with any common sense, since he knows when to fight his battles and when to not rush headlong into certain death. He has a super laser death cannon that drains his life energy, which is pretty legit. Also he's the first guy who can fly. Everyone else is copying this dude. He also has a disturbing relationship with a short white midget who looks like one of Santa's elves.
Master Roshi: Old guy. Apparently he's some sort of magical karate god guy at the start of the series, but as it progresses you gradually just come to realize that everyone else on earth just sucks by comparison. He originally came up with the Kamehameha, which is a super laser death cannon thing people fire from their hands, and everyone started flipping out when Goku learned it. But then just about every other goddamn character can fire it by the end, including Krillin, who is useless and I think that signifies that the technique has run it's course. Roshi does get to see Bulma's poontang though, which makes him one of three characters who've seen her crotch. Skank.
Chi-Chi: Chick Goku and Bulma meet for about 5 minutes early on and makes Goku promise to marry her when they get older, to which he agrees because he's a DUMBASS. Luckily, by the time she comes to make him go through with it, she's actually attractive, so he made out pretty well. She's a bitch, but not moreso than most women. Her kids are pretty badass, so I guess she must be too. She basically showed up once in the series, kicked copious amounts of ass, married Goku, had kids, and faded from the series except to show up once in a while to yell at any of her family members, whichever one is currently being a dumbass. She's got SOME common sense, but not as much as Tien.
Son Gohan: Goku and Chi-chi's kid. He's like Jesus I guess, since he's the son of GOD and some lady who no one cares about except that she's his mother. Also he's superpowerful, fights evil, shoots lasers, has hair that turns blonde when he becomes supercalifragilisticexpealidocious powerful, and gains hulk like exponential strength growth when he's mad, which if I remember the book of Luke properly were all things Jesus did. He shows up a little bit before Vegeta and randomly kicks super powerful bad guys square in the nuts whenever he gets pissed off with such ferocious intensity that it makes Bruce Banner blush. He can also turn in to a giant monkey when he looks at the moon if his tail hasn't been cut off yet (and if it hasn't, it will be soon, I promise) which makes him even fucking stronger but he breaks EVERYTHING, sort of like a berserker hobo. He plays a pivotal role in the kicking of every major villain's ass all the way until the end, and basically vaporizes Cell's face himself because he got bored of everyone else sucking. Probably one of the coolest characters. Oh, and he bangs the martial arts champion of the world's daughter, which is pretty hardcore.
Vegeta: Bastard. Starts off as a complete dickhead who comes to Earth to steal Dragonballs to become immortal and proceeds to just chill as his crony Nappa fucks up all the heros except Goku in hilarious fashions. After Nappa gets his shit shoved in when Goku shows up and two shots him, Vegeta blows Nappa up himself because he's just that much of an asshole. When he ends up going one on one with Goku he won't shut the hell up about his pride and how he's better because he's a prince and blah blah blah. He gets annoying really fast and gets his ass kicked by Goku, Giant WereMonkey Gohan, and a giant death ball made of Earth's energy or something. He runs like a bitch to some space station owned by Freeza where he heals then goes to Namek to try and use the Dragonballs THERE to become immortal. He commits a couple genocides, gets his ass kicked a couple times, then blows up 5 or 6 characters who were important enough to be named in the series, but not enough so to get listed here. I'll call them Expendable Minor Villain 1-6. Anyway, he doesn't get his wish because Krillin is a douchebag and he gets his face smashed in by Freeza, which is hilarious. He comes back to Earth with everyone else because... well, honestly I have no idea why. Regardless, he marries and hooks up with Bulma at some point and they pop out a kid, the single coolest character in the ENTIRE SERIES, Trunks. He dies once or twice, but he's always there to fight the big bad guy and tries to go one on one with Goku a couple more times before finally realizing he's just never going to be as good as him. I forget what happens to him at the end of the series, but I assume it involves him being a dickhead to everyone he meets.
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| Note the pretentious arm cross and sneer. Such a douchebag. |
Trunks: Badass. Pure and simple. When we first see him in the series, Freeza and his dad, Big Papa, show up to blow up the earth and kill everyone. Goku, who previously kicked Freeza's ass isn't there so basically the world is completely fucked and all hope is lost. AND THEN OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE Trunks, who hasn't even been given a name in the series yet, jumps out and SLICES FREEZA IN FUCKING HALF WITH A SWORD. Yeah, that dude who killed entire planets and fucked up every hero in the last arc was just massively butchered with a single strike by a 17 year old kid who just jumped out of nowhere. Oh, and he kicked Freeza's Dad's ass, and apparently he was even more of an OG than Freeza, but we'll never know because TRUNKS ONE SHOT HIM IN THE FACE. Anyway, it turns out Trunks is from the future or something in a massively confusing paradox of events, but suffice to say he's pure, 100% genuine hardcore, so much so he probably snorts cocaine by the truckful while punching holes in diamond walls and eating bowls of nails without any milk, scoring with all the hot babes within 100 miles without even trying, and basically making everyone else look like a pussy. He keeps saying he needs the help of the heros from this story, but I wholeheartedly believe that Trunks could kick the collective asses of every villain in this story without even trying if he really just put his mind to it rather than figuring out why his dad is such a dickbag.
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| The blonde guy would be Trunks. The guy being hacked in fucking half would be Freeza. |
Son Goten: Goku part two. That is all. Seriously, scroll up to Goku's picture and he looks like the one of Goku as a kid.
Freeza: Gay white alien overlord. Good manners, but he's still a douche. He refuses to die, in true Dragonball character fashion, until Trunks shows up and explains to him why he sucks. With a sword. Freeza transforms into two or three other stupid forms, but to be honest his character doesn't have a lot of depth. He's just a sociopath with a lot of strength.
Cell: Evil robot bug thing from the Future. He eats other robots made by some random Nazi scientist to become "perfect", which he is obviously not since he dies. He's one of those villains who's really just bored and enjoys killing, so he does. He dies like a bitch.
Buu: NO ONE CARES ABOUT BUU.
Series Flowchart!
Well, the series follows a basic flowchart. I've decided to right it down and let you fill in the blanks.
[Random Third Party] is minding their own business. [Villain] show up and murders them humorously. Switch scenes to 1-3 [Heroes] and 0-4 [Minor Character]s minding their own business somewhere, training or masturbating or something. [Minor Character] shows up and informs them of the [Villain] who is getting stronger via [Diabolical Means]. They have to defeat [Villain] before he gets too strong because of [Diabolical Means] and blows up the Earth, turns everyone into chocolate, kills all the puppies, or drop F Bombs on the radio. The [Heroes] go fight the [Villain], who promptly kicks their asses except for [Main Hero], who injures [Villain] and forces a retreat. The [Heroes] realize the [Villain]'s ultimate plan, but fail to stop him in time. [Villain] becomes super strong and invincible. The [Heroes] find a way to train to become strong enough to try and stop him. [Heroes] spend time offscreen becoming strong and eventually the fight commences, with each hero excluding [Main Hero] getting their asses kicked, but forcing the [Villain] to become stronger or use a new ability each time. By the time [Main Hero] fights [Villain], each spends half the damn fight proclaiming they're only using a certain percentage of their "TRUE POWER", and they get in a pissing match. Eventually [Main Hero] and [Villain] get in a final strike thing where [Villain]'s head explodes and [Main Hero] is seriously injured. Suddenly it's revealed [Villain] isn't really dead but inexplicably became a billion times stronger, at which point [Secondary Hero] somehow becomes superstrong and vaporizes [Villain] once and for all. Everyone rejoices except the dead people.
Repeat as necessary.
"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
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