I've been watching Team FourStar and LittleKuriboh's abridged videos for the past few hours while slowly slipping down the slope to chemically induced bliss, and I must say I'm pleased. Alcohol makes stupid, quotable humor like those videos about 500,000,000% funnier. As often happens though I got bored and started playing Angry Birds on my phone. Now, Angry Birds is the greatest thing ever made in human history, surpassing even the pyramids or Oxy Clean. Angry Birds is a beautiful story of a few variously colored birds whose eggs get stolen or something by ugly green pigs who build structures out of wood, stone, glass, and ROCKS. Anyway, these birds decide that they'll set up a giant fucking slingshot and shoot themselves at these structures to MURDER ALL THE GODDAMN PIGS. Now, this is basically one of the greatest ideas ever constructed. These Angry Birds are the most hardcore little bastards ever born! And now for a synopsis of the different colors because I can.
RED!
These guys are the white guys of the Angry Birds world. They have no special skills or abilities. They just kinda get chucked towards the buildings. So, other than being blunt force projectiles that are meant to crush and destroy the structures and hopes of those GODDAMN PIGS, these guys don't really do anything fun.
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| He can't dance and knows the words to Ice, Ice, Baby. |
YELLOW!
These guys are AWESOME. These dudes get shot towards the buildings, then when you click on em they SUPER ROCKET PROPEL BLAST in the direction they're going! They've got like afterburners shoved up their asses or something. These guys are basically the greatest things ever since they break shit like it's they're goddamn job, bringing down skyscrapers by smashing up the bottom support beams. LEARN TO LOVE THESE GUYS, FOR THEY ARE YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER.
BLUE!
Fuck these guys. They explode into three when you click em mid-fire, but they have no stopping power. It's like shooting someone with a bullet that breaks into three styrofoam packing peanuts. COMPLETELY USELESS.
BLACK!
I love these guys. Seriously. You know Bob-ombs from Super Mario, the little walking black bombs? That's what these guys are, except instead of walking they're birds. Who are shot from a slingshot. Into buildings. They're like bird terrorist suicide bombers, flinging themselves near vital supports of buildings then exploding. They're the radical islamics of the Angry Birds World.
WHITE!
These guys are aerial strikers. They blow shit up with eggs dropped from above. Basically they eat nothing but curry, Flaming Hot Cheetos, calthrops, nitroglycerin, fire, pain, and explosions and crap out death and destruction. My favorite part is when these guys are waiting in line to be shot out, they look like they REALLY have to crap superbad, hopping around with a grimace on their faces, and when they drop the egg and land, they have the most relieved expression on their faces. It's HILARIOUS that they just dropped the biggest explosive EggDeuce on someone and killed 15 people.
BIGGER SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT RED BIRDS!
Now I call these guys the John McLane Birds, for the simple reason that the first time you see them is in a cutscene where all the other birds get captured by the pigs and, just when the situation seems most bleak, THIS GUY COMES OUT OF NOWHERE AND DOMEWRECKS EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD and frees them all. Anyone who pulls that kind of awesome kickass rescue out of their ass for no reason other than being completely legit deserves that name. They're basically red birds with hair on their chest, because when they hit stuff they don't stop. They just keep going. And going. And crushing. And destroying. It's AWESOME.
GREEN BIRDS!
These guys are australian, only because they're special ability is to boomerang back towards you. They also have kickass looking hornbills.
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