The Indecisive Prick
This guy. THIS GUY, OH MY GOD. This guy will get in line, stand in line for 5-30 minutes (depending on my mood and how fast I'm allowing customers to move through the line), get to the front of the line, look at the menu which has all of 6 items on it, AND HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE WANTS TO EAT. He had all the time in the world to even glance up and even randomly choose something from our overpriced menu which incorporates some of the world's most exotic food, such as a chicken sandwich and a cheeseburger. Seriously, it's not like our menu includes Qabli Pulao or Husmanskost. IT'S A GODDAMN CHEESEBURGER. He will undoubtedly sit in front of you, a tendril of drool hanging from his lower lip, as he mutters "Ummm... I think I'll... hmmm... I need a minute..." as you sit there trying to do everything in your power to not haymaker the bastard right in his face and bludgeon him to a bloody pulp. If you even IMPLY he should sit off to the side for a minute until he decides so you can help the less retarded people who DO know what they want, he'll go on a tirade about how terrible a job you have and how you exist to serve him because he's a paying customer and you have no soul and blah friggin blah blah.
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| Hmmm... a cheeseburger, or a hamburger with cheese...? |
The Connoisseur of Crap
Quite the opposite of the Indecisive Prick, this guy knows EXACTLY what he wants, and will tolerate nothing less than perfection. He knows he wants a cheeseburger cooked medium well (despite the fact all burgers have one cooking setting: charred) with no tomato, double onions, two slices of cheese placed so that there's a 45 degree are that no cheese touches on the burger. He wants YOU to put ketchup on the patty in the shape of the Venus de Milo, the wrapper to be a double half-fold letter style, and the container to be facing east-west. If any ONE of these inane, retarded demands are not met he will hold YOU personally responsible, claiming that he very clearly told you his list of stupid crap to be done and you simply aren't intelligent enough to remember the complicated directions that he, your superior, gave you. Now, I say this guy, but more often than not this one is a woman who has little to no power in her relationships and seeks to fuck with someone who she can make feel inferior, which for this little exercise would be... you. Don't get me wrong, a lot of guys are this way too, but this particular group I've found to be more middle aged women. CUT THAT SHIT OUT, LADIES. SERIOUSLY.
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| I said .3 inches thick, not .45 you PLEBIAN! |
You know who the Duggars are? They're not that little red circle guy with the goggles form Dig Dig, despite what I originally thought. Apparently, according to the interwebs, the Duggars are a family of hardcore conservative Mormons (a shock that those two be paired, I know) who have like a bajillion kids. These people, unfortunately, also need to eat when they attend baseball games. Familys like this suck major ass, not just because of the volume of their order, but every damn member of the family has to have something their own way or their of unique item. It gets really confusing trying to make sure you get two hot dogs, a hamburger with onions, a cheeseburger, french fries, garlic fries, two regular cokes, a large diet coke, a large beer, three pygmys, a Mexican, two metal rods and a SuperStar from Mario Brothers to these people without forgetting anything. The bright side? If they're really stupid, you can forget something, not notice until later when you go over the books, and then you're up like 5 or 6 bucks on your register. Nothing beats the feeling of having too much money.
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| Someone get that man a vasectomy already. |
Hot Chick With Loser Boyfriend
This one just bugs me more than pisses me off, mostly because I guess a baseball game is a great place to bring your girlfriend who has an easy +5 on you just to show her off. I guess it must be romantic or something, but I dunno, the appeal of paying 8 dollars a beer to sit and watch a bunch of grown men play a game doesn't really scream to be a good location for a date, unless she's really into that sort of thing. But, I digress. WHAT THE HELL? This place seems to be a nexus for ugly and/ or stupid guys with inexplicable hot girlfriends. Do these guys have their families hostage or something? Did they make these girls in a lab somewhere? Is the chick's self-worth THAT low? I understand a 2 or 3 point difference, but we're talking like Catherine Zeta-Jones dating Urkel here, folks. Emma Stone and Michael Cera. Abby from NCIS dating basically anyone. SENSE IS NOT TO BE FOUND HERE!
| Basically this, except Tommy Lee would be even less attractive. Somehow. |
The Foreigners
Another thing I never really understood is all the foreigners at baseball games. And I'm not talking out-of-staters, though they too are present in strangely large numbers. No, I'm talking another freakin country. Every game I see probably 5 or 6 people from Ireland, 3 or 4 from Australia, and if I'm lucky one or two hot japanese schoolgirls. What possesses these people who pay out the ass for an airplane ticket to come to this country to waste precious time at a freaking baseball game? Is it the fact we call it Amercia's passtime and they're pretending to like it? Are they too being blackmailed by the unattractive boyfriend from the last paragraph? CAN THEY SEE WHY KIDS LOVE CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH? Don't get me wrong, I'm not really complaining here. I like these people. There's never unattractive foreign people for some reason. They're either rugged Irishmen, sexy, big busted Aussie chicks who tip like 10 bucks if you can pour beer perfectly (which I can by the way), or japanese girls who giggle at everything like they're constantly breathing nitrous oxide. I like these people more than I like the jackass in the jersey of a team not even playing today with a trucker cap on, facial hair that doesn't match his face and a beer belly so big that it'll make Buddha blush. I really wish I got paid for alliteration, that last one would have made me like a million bucks.
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| Crikey, mate. |
The "Hot and Attainable BUT..." Chick
Ah, the hot and attainable BUT... chick. There's at least one every game. The chick who's clearly flirting with you while you take her order, and she comes back every time she wants something to eat or drink and will wait for you to become available, letting others cut in front of her. The one who strikes up a conversation after ordering a single drink, which I don't mind because I hate customers and don't care if they wait forever, I'd rather talk with the hot chick. You begin to consider giving this girl your number and seeing if something could happen. But then... you notice something. Something you wish you hadn't. Something so gamechanging it changes everything forever. Like the fact she's got Psalm 37:4 tattooed on her forearm, or the fact that she's wearing a Babylon 5 t-shirt, or talks with a cockney accent. One fatal flaw that completely kills any sort of inclination you had to have any involvement with this person. You can lie to yourself and say I'm a terrible person for saying this, that you would NEVER feel this way about anyone, but you're only lying to yourself. And me I guess, I mean you're still lying to me, I'm just not believing it.
God, I just realized what a masochist I am for willingly putting myself in situations where I have to deal with people I loathe. MMMMM HURTS SO GOOOOOOD
"Fate chooses your relations, you choose your friends."
Jacques DeLille
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