Sunday, September 25, 2011

Why Vons Sucks

I hate Vons. Some of you may know it as Safeway or whatever, but Vons SUCKS. Few stores combine the factors of super stupid customers with numerous children and lots of money who have massive inferiority complexes and an undeserved sense of entitlement with the world's shittiest managerial staff who fall prey to laziness, nepotism, un-funness, douchebaggery, and middle management. This store sucks major balls and, in my usual manner, I'm gonna tell you exactly HOW Vons sucks ass in a well thought out, carefully constructed, English paper quality list.

The Management are Dumbasses
And we're not talking your normal "I hate my boss" dumbass. I'm talking like "I don't have any fucking clue what I'm doing and somehow I'm in charge" dumbass. These people couldn't run the store if they didn't have the lowly worker peons to ask questions to about the runnings of the store. They have no fucking clue what they're doing, they mostly just fill out paperwork, get yelled at by THEIR boss, and return the favor to the entire staff. These people couldn't manage to get their head out of their ass, let alone managing an entire store. It really goes to show that underachieving doesn't have to stop at the lower positions, it can get you ANYWHERE. That being said, Vons goes through managers and supervisors like Bruce Lee on steroids would go through a damp paper towel, so that's something. The only managerial position that doesn't change hands every 30 seconds is the assistant manager for some reason. It's weird.

Typical store manager

All The Employees are Slackers
Ok, not ALL of them, some of them do fit into the aforementioned "dumbass" category, but 95% of the employees simply do not give a shit. I can respect that, seeing as I'm definitely one of them. These poor souls hate their jobs, hate their pay, hate their coworkers, hate their customers, hate the music they play over the radio 24/7, and hate the fact that no one can ever figure out where to find the goddamn popcorn by themselves. These slacker employees really run the show here, which says something. These people simply do not give a shit about their job, they're just here for the money. There's no satisfaction of a job well done here, there's only meaningless repetitious bullshit and annoying customers you constantly want to impale on the end of a halberd to cast into the bakery ovens and set the temperature to "FUCKING NUKE" and watch their charred husks explode. Everything is half assed and slowly done, just as god intended. You'd think this is the type of place a slacker like myself would fit right in, but you'd be wrong because of one very important thing. 

Vons plays the same songs in the same order every day. That doesn't sound too terrible at first, but when you can literally tell time by the songs playing over the speakers, you know something is horribly wrong. Not only that, but they're not even GOOD songs, they're mostly rejected crap from the 80s and 90s that nobody EVER liked. When the highlight of your day consists of "London Calling" by The Clash and "Walk of Life" by Dire Straits, you know something is terribly amiss with the choice of music by the higher ups. There's no commercials or anything, I'm not even sure what the hell it is, whether it's a CD or satellite radio permanently set to "SHIT FM" or if my manager plugged in her iPod and let it run amok. I'm pretty sure they're playing this shitty music as a method of weeding out the weak minded employees and make them quit. Seriously, listening to one song each from Alanis Morisette, David Lee Roth and Hanson day after day after day after day, will take a mental toll on people and drive some to homicide.

Well Scooby, we solved the mystery of who has control of the music.

That's right, they make me shave the source of my magical powers, charisma, and general sex appeal. Now, I'm the cute little bagger bitch up front who bags groceries, helps little old ladies out to their car, and contemplates suicide on an hourly basis because of my poor choice in career. Despite the fact I'm not making food or anything like that where facial hair would make a difference (even if I were I'd wear a hair net over it. I totally would), they make me shave my beard. I don't know if you know me, and you probably don't, but I love my beard. Not like "I love chocolate!" love, but like full on "Til Death Do Us Part" love. My beard has always been there for me, it's never said a bad word about me, it never calls me an asshole or a douche or any other admittedly true names. Most importantly, it makes me look not-12. Clean shaven I get carded for everything, from liquor to cigarettes to a Double Gulp at 7-11. Plus it's blatantly apparent I have a double chin without my beard to run interference. I have no idea why they make me shave, but it's militantly enforced. Nazi Germany had more lax security measures about control of Jews than my manager does regarding facial hair. She actually MADE ME GO HOME AND SHAVE AFTER I GOT TO WORK once because I had a tiny bit of blonde stubble. Bear in mind, my facial hair IS blonde, so it's really fucking hard to see unless you're looking for it through a goddamn microscope until it really grows out. I hate my boss and I hope her uterus explodes randomly while she's at work.

Please refer to this diagram.

You Have To Join A Union
Unions suck. They're a corporation that even OTHER corporations hate. Granted, they had their place back in the 20s when labor was a crying shame and they brought about radical reform and good works in favor of their constituents, but nowadays they really only serve to take your money and try and push political agendas and struggle for power with employers. They view their members as a beef rancher views his cattle: to be carefully nurtured until they're ripe for slaughter, than to take everything they're ever had. And as a Vons (or any grocery store) employee, you're forced to join one of these monstrosities, which I still don't get why. Why the fuck should they care if I'm in a union or not? I don't wanna pay a monthly fucking fee for some bullshit I don't agree with. Sure, they give you benefits or whatever, but only if you're a lifer at this shithole, which I am certainly not. My attention span is WAY to short to stick around this joint for very long, I mean it's a wonder I've gotten through all these paragraphs without going onto a completely other subject. Seriously, unless you plan on staying with Vons for 10+ years, you won't really gain any major benefits. The job fucking SUCKS in every way, shape, and form. Oh, and the pay sucks. 8.10 an hour is not worth tolerating the customers.

Typical Union meeting

You'll notice "Stupid Customers" aren't on this list. I figure that's a given, and I'm always talking about how stupid customers are. I figure I won't beat the dead horse on THIS particular post.

The next one I probably will though.

"When a man tells you he got rich through hard work, ask him 'Whose?'"
-Don Marquis


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Vons customers suck too. Let me tell you something. We are constantly squeazed to get every last bit of work they can get out of us. I work very hard but I have to say I feel like I'm a slave. Most of the customers either have empathy or at least are not totally ignorant to these facts. I feel like i need 8 arms to get the job done. And some customers are downright pricks. I bareley make enough to survive. The damage I feel everyday from people bent on inflicting their pain on me
    is taking it's toll on my humanity.

    I have to say that if I don't find another job soon suicide might be my future.

  3. Now I doubt that its that bad. I hope you had fun with your little rant. Now go home and cry about having to shave your beard. Now if your done complaining man up grow a pair and get a new job.

  4. where you can take Vons Customer Satisfaction Survey to win one of sixty $100 safeway git cards.

    Vons Customer Satisfaction Survey