THE ULTIMATE LIST OF ENRAGING, AGGRAVATING, AND/ OR STUPID THINGS THAT DRIVE ME INTO A MURDEROUS FRENZY®
1) Crying Children: Especially in public settings. Seriously, I will kick your goddamn baby in the mouth if you don't shut it up or take it outside. ESPECIALLY in restaurants, stores with good acoustics, and places babies don't even really belong, like Spencer's Gifts. You know, the stores with the shot glasses, beer pong tables, dildos and old people birthday shit. I guarantee you I'm not alone in this sentiment, but I am a rarity in that I will tell the stupid skank who forgot to take her birth control and still decided to get it on with her probably oblivious boyfriend/ husband/ brother/ landlord/ guy who works at the 7-11 to get her kid the fuck out before I give her the choice of whether I assault her or her child with a two by four with a single nail sticking out of the end. Remember, Mrs. Mommy: We will kill you. We have a van. The way I see it, I'd be doing natural selection a favor: I'd be removing a lesser being and her garbagespawn from the gene pool, purifying it ever so slightly for the production of higher creatures. Yeah, science justifies my violent tendencies.
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| I Google image searched "Punch Baby" and this came up. Frankly I like it better than anything else I might find. |
2) Songs as Text Message Alerts: Now, I for one think a text or message alert on a phone should be a tone or jingle no longer than 2 or 3 seconds. Mine is the sound of Sonic the Hedgehog picking up a ring. Short, sweet, straight to the point. I have no idea why, but there are people who decide to put a full 30 second song as their text alerts. This really shines as enraging when the person receives texts frequently enough to the point the song starts over several times before they even pick up the first one. CUT THAT SHIT OUT, no one wants to hear some shitty acoustic guitar version of "One" by Metallica as your ringtone, but as a text alert it's simply unforgivable. Plus, Metallica sucks ass in general. Sorry, but it's true. I had someone tell me "They revolutionized rock back in the day!", to which I responded "I wasn't there, I don't care, they suck now. The guillotine revolutionized capital punishment in the late 1700s, should I give a damn? No, it still sucks."
3) Implied Messages to people you care about in important situations: Now, I love implying things. Seriously, it's great fun to say one thing while strongly implying something else via your tone of voice, body language, and other nonverbal signs. That being said, implying shit in important situations with people you care about is bullshit. Seriously. Women, I'm almost only looking at YOU on this one. It's adorable that you're afraid to tell us what you want, what you feel, what you think. Really, it's good to know I evoke such terror. BUT CUT THAT SHIT OUT. If you want something, ask for it. Don't imply it, then get mad when we don't pick up on your fucking signals, because most men won't. And guys, if you're doing this shit, I can at least punch you in the face. I have just enough Southern Gentleman in me to rule out doing that to a woman.
4) Pandora Commercials: MOSTLY THE GODDAMN TARGET ONE, OH MY FUCKING GOD. I think this is close to the top of things that drive me into a rage the likes of which would make my berserker viking ancestors proud to have me as a descendant. To those of you who don't know, this fucking commercial is an exchange of short quips between a dude and some annoying ass bitch about some goddamn groceries at Target.
Fucking Jackass: Think quick!
Stupid Dumbass Whore: Kay!
FJ: Target.
SDW: Target.
FJ: Only fresher!
SDW: Fresher?
FJ: Fresh groceries!
SDW: Veggies?
FJ: Yes!
SDW: What else?
There's more, but I can never listen past this point because I have jammed my pen into my ears. And they play it damn near every fucking commercial, the repetition makes me wanna kick a baby in the face, which would work well for number 1 I s'pose.
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| This isn't what I actually look like, of course. In reality I'm like a 15/15 with Trample and Indestructible. |
5) People who you hate but are good friends with your good friends and you have to tolerate: Ok, to all the people out there who are friends, please keep this in mind. Chances are fairly good that, other than your main group of friends, most of your friends don't get along. I know 90% of my friends all hate each other. No exaggeration, all my female friends hate each other, they've all dated and broken up with my male friends, who also all hate each other. My group of friends is an incestuous, hateful bunch. That's fine though, they're MY friends, I don't expect them to like each other, but I know better to NOT make them comingle if they don't want to. Now, some of my friends are blissfully unaware of this fact and invite me to hang out, only revealing after I've arrived they've always invited another one of their friends whom I LOATHE with a passion, but I can't really say that because someone who IS my good friend likes them for some reason. I don't wanna lose them as a friend, but now I have to tolerate this stupid jackass for the duration of the hanging out because my friend assumed his friends all got along great. I do suppose there's an upside, like if Mephistopheles appears and demands we sacrifice one of our number on the Altar of Blood to escape his eternal burning wrath and deletion of our Facebook accounts, we can throw the extra jackass on the altar and not lose any sleep whatsoever. Or if we get on a boat that gets overloaded with weight, we can throw him overboard. WIN FREAKING WIN BABY
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| That's me with the blue sword. This is what I do on the weekends. |
5 seems like a good number to stop at. Later days, my children.
"It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you are not."
-Andre Gide
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